What started off as just simple (but server) depression and anxiety has escalated into riot in my brain!
I developed haters
Voices in my head
I wish they whispered sweet nothings
But oh no I've not had such luck
Instead they mock and torment me
You're such burden
It's best to suffer in silence, if you talk about your depression people will think you are looking for attention or they will think you are weak and pathetic
Everybody hates you
Everybody you love is going to leave you
You don't deserve love
You don't deserve happiness
The world is better off without you
Just kill yourself
No one will notice when you're gone anyway
In fact everyone will be happy
Their lives will be better
I lost control of my emotions now I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind!
It hurts so much
Pain is all I feel
I just want cry
I just want scream
I just want disappear
I don't want be here anymore
I don't want to feel
I don't want to live
Take my breath
Take it all
Let me go
Let me find peace
There is over 3 billion people in this world my life doesn't matter!
I bet no one will even notice
No one will miss me when I'm gone
You keep it all inside
You let the pain slowly eat at you
Because you're afraid to be burden
Afraid to be a problem
Afraid to be labeled as the pathetic depressed girl
So you suffer in silence
You suffer alone
Just waiting for the lucky day to come when you can be set free from all the pain.
Set free from life itself
Do you ever get that feeling that nobody loves you?
That nobody cares about you?
That you’re just a waste of space?
An unnecessary addition to the earths population?
Have you ever asked yourself ” If I were to disappear today, would anybody notice?”
Well that’s my everyday!
I’m surrounded by people but I still feel alone.
I’ve somehow managed to convince myself that nobody likes me, they just tolerate me!
I feel like at some point of my life everyone I love and care for is going to leave me!
I just know they will!
They gonna realize that I’m nothing!
That I’m pathetic
That I’m a loser
That I’m insecure
That I’m worthless
That I’m broken
So the question still stands
If I were to die today, would anybody notice?
Depression It’s a fickle thing.
It can be triggered by the tinny tiniest things or if you’re me by nothing at all.
My mood can go from joyful and happy to lonely and suicidal in a split second.
And when that moment comes you feel like the weight of the world lies on your shoulders.
You feel lonely, scared, broken and sad
You don’t feel anything at all
You have nothing left to feel
You’re just empty
Then they’ll say
“Please be okay”
“It’s fine! You’re fine”
Or my two favorites
“It’s all in your head, if you wanna be happy just be happy”
Oh how I wish it was that easy!! It’s not like I enjoy feeling like the scum of the earth.
“It all gets better in the end. If it’s not better, it’s not the end.”
This is the only statement that holds the truth.
It does get better at the end
Cause the end is death.
That moment when you take your last breath and you feel a sense of relief or you feel at peace.
That’s the end!
That’s when it gets better.
You know when I lay alone at night unable to sleep I’ve got nothing but time to think. To think about everything! The good, the bad and the random. And the sad thing about my life is there isn’t much good to think about. It’s mostly just bad.
I didn’t cut myself in an attempt to kill myself! I cut myself cause in the moment it felt like the only thing to make me feel better.
No one understands and no one will ever understand and I don’t blame them cause honestly sometimes I don’t understand.
All I know is pain.
This constant pain that lives in my heart, in my mind, in my life!
And when I lay alone at night thinking, thinking about the good, thinking about the bad.
The conclusion that I end up at is that, I will never be happy. That I don’t deserve happiness!
That I’m destined watch those around me be happy but I’ll never obtain that happiness.
Now if you ask me that’s a heavy thought to wake up with! But I do!
I wake up!
And I wake up, I put a smile on my face and carry on.
Carry on with the day and patiently wait for my next thinking session.