depression · Mental health

Just a thought 

You know when I lay alone at night unable to sleep I’ve got nothing but time to think. To think about everything! The good, the bad and the random. And the sad thing about my life is there isn’t much good to think about. It’s mostly just bad.

I didn’t cut myself in an attempt to kill myself! I cut myself cause in the moment it felt like the only thing to make me feel better.

No one understands and no one will ever understand and I don’t blame them cause honestly sometimes I don’t understand.

All I know is pain.
This constant pain that lives in my heart, in my mind, in my life!

And when I lay alone at night thinking, thinking about the good, thinking about the bad.

The conclusion that I end up at is that, I will never be happy. That I don’t deserve happiness!

That I’m destined watch those around me be happy but I’ll never obtain that happiness.

Now if you ask me that’s a heavy thought to wake up with! But I do!

I wake up!

And I wake up, I put a smile on my face and carry on.

Carry on with the day and patiently wait for my next thinking session.

depression · Mental health

Mute no more. 

I’m depressed. 

I have been for the past 9 years of my life. I’ve tried to commit suicide at least 4 times. And now I can feel myself slowly going back to that place! The past 6 months have been so hard for me and a day doesn’t go by without me thinking about it. And as a result I started cutting myself.

I feel alone! I always feel alone! In a room filled with people I feel alone! 

I feel unloved. I feel like no one cares. 

I feel like if I were to just disappear no one would notice. 

Now, I know you are wondering why I would just tell you all of that. I don’t want you to pitty me or feel sorry for me! No! Not at all. 

I just don’t want to be mute anymore.

I just want my voice to be heard.